What it really feels like

What it really feels like

Being a part of Yahoo’s supportive group made me realize that not only people who suffer from Misophonia will try to found some information about this conditions, but also the parents of the children who suffer from it, trying to understand this condition a bit better .

I decided to write thoroughly about how Misophonia really feels by telling you how an ordinary day in my life looks like. Maybe it will help you understand your child better and truly see what he or she is confronted by every singe day.

This is how my yesterday looked like.

Monday. Working day. The end of the working day. Went to pick my kids up from my parents home. I’ll have a lunch there also.

Even before I open the door of their apartment I know what I’m gonna be faced with in just a few seconds. Their apartment is like a ticking time bomb for me. They’re my biggest triggers.

We live not far away and see each other almost every day. I like the fact that my mom is available to take care of my kids while I’m at work. That way I’m sure they will be properly fed, take cared of and raised with some good manners. I like the fact that we see each other often, however that also means that I’ll go nuts for sure, every time I see my parents.

I’m opening the doors, entering, washing my hands, hugging my kids, laughing, talking with them, tickling them, playing with them (they’re toddlers).

In the same time, in the background I could see my mother setting up the table and starting to eat. The distance between us is about ten feet. I face her with my back trying to concentrate on my kids and me playing with them. I’m changing the tone of my voice trying to be as loud as I possibly can while laughing and playing with them.

That’s not helpful at all. I can still hear her. I can hear her chewing and spoon and fork and dishes tangling. I’m going nuts inside. My heart is pumping fast, my nerves are cracking. I want to scream! I want to run out that place and never ever come back!

But, if you were there,  looking at me you’ll just notice a nice children-parent scene. I’m still playing with my children and laughing. I’m doing that all the time she’s eating and after.

It took her forever to finally get up out the table. How long does the average meal last? I don’t know, it lasts forever for me.

As soon as she finished her meal I became relaxed, like,  nothing has been happening just moments ago.  I could finally fully enjoy with my children.

The doors open. My husband is here to pick us up and to have a lunch. After kissing, hugging children, he sits at the table. He’s hungry. I’m done. I’m loosing my patience. He eats soup and fortunately in that moment I remembered a guy who wrote about avoiding triggers in Yahoo group few days ago, and I’m off to the kitchen sink to let the water trough the tap. I stood there entire time. Luckily no one called me or asked me what the hell am I doing.

Next course. I’m already gone, lost it, however you call it. I can’t look at him, I can’t participate in some small talks between him and my parents. I have no place left, to escape, to shut all doors and windows, to be sounds free. No patience, no tolerance, no common sense. I’m just asking God not to let anybody asks me something or refers to me with something. Please, could you please stop this hell!!!?

A different, a tiny part of me is yelling inside: Relax! Will you!? Think about something else. Focus on children’s laughing. Focus on the water. Focus on something happy. Ignore! There’s nothing wrong with how people eat or how they move their body while eating! Pull yourself together! This is outrageous! You need to put this under your control!

It’s needless to say that I can’t follow my own orders. I wish I could cry or scream or anything else… I wish he could eat in just a second. I wish I was  normal.

I took his plate the moment I saw it’s empty and put it next to sink. I know I did that in an angry manner. He said: “Why did you do that? Did you ask me am I finished? I’m not done yet.”

Oh my God! Shoot me please! I can’t stand another few minutes of the torture! Do you hear me!? Can’t stand it!

I returned his plate. He continued to eat while I was dying. I couldn’t go anywhere else, couldn’t do anything else to defend myself. I sat there and watched myself being whipped by his sounds and movements.

He finished at last and I could cry. Who would believe me if I told them what I was just been trough!?

We packed the kids and went to a grocery store. Everything is normal now. My husband went to buy some snacks ( he doesn’t usually snack, I don’t know what came into him nowadays) And all I was thinking about was: “Please don’t buy them…don’t” I didn’t say anything, I just watched him buying stupid snacks.

At home  I remembered again to try to avoid sounds. While he was snacking I let the water coming from the tap, I was singing, I was playing with my children, I was making some pudding and washing the dishes…I was doing everything I could to block those sounds… Nothing. Nothing helps.

I feel my heart pumping fast, my body temperature raises, my nerves are cracking… Oh God… here we go again…

 

Author Description

I love photography and learning about it. I'll try and fail that's for sure, but sometimes, I hope, I'll do good. As for the Misophonia part of the blog, I'll write honestly about my experiences and feelings, trying to help myself and others who feel the same way as I do and maybe to raise some awareness about this condition. All written here is just and only my opinion.

8 Responses to “What it really feels like”

  1. mary January 28, 2014 - Reply

    GREAT JOB explaining how one really struggles every single day over what should be enjoyable. i hope non miso ppl see this!!

    • mmaria January 28, 2014 - Reply

      Mary,
      thank you for letting me know.
      I also hope that people will read this and understand a bit more about what is truly going on inside of us.

  2. Suzanne Rackliffe February 8, 2014 - Reply

    I am 55 and have live this my whole life. I could say a lot, but what I really wanted to tell you as I read this post, was to buy some earplugs. It changed my life. I have probably a hundred pair. I cut them a little shorter than they come. That way, they are a little less obvious when I wear them. I keep several pair (always!)in my pockets, purse, kitchen drawer and in the car. I would be unable to attend church, shop, or do countless other activities without them. Oh, and bathroom fans. When the kitchen noise is too much, head to the bathroom and turn on the fan. Even for just a minute, it is quite therapeutic.

    • mmaria February 8, 2014 - Reply

      Oh Suzanne,
      I should really write about my experience with earplugs.
      I can’t wear them any more. I used them for years but I don’t know really how and why but my ears can’t stand those anymore. It’s painful for me to wear them, I mean physically painful.
      About the fan..really!? I could never thought of that :)

  3. denise March 5, 2014 - Reply

    Can this disorder be selective? I can’t stand to hear certain sounds but I can go to dinner with friends and I’m not affected, but certain people, or certain sounds really get under my skin!! Are there different levels of misophonia?

    • mmaria March 5, 2014 - Reply

      Denise, you’re right!
      Misophonia is very selective and there are certain levels for being affected by it.
      Usually, the people we love the most and spend the most time with them, are our biggest triggers. If you’re not affected by the sounds of certain people, just enjoy! Great for you ;)

  4. Mintundeer April 2, 2014 - Reply

    Thank you, I just found out about this today and what really gets to me is gum. And I will show my closest family and friends this so they could know what i’m going through. I don’t think I have a very severe case of this but when the trigger is on, i’m out.

    • mmaria April 3, 2014 - Reply

      That’s good, not have a severe Mispohonia. Showing your family is also a good thing. Maybe they’ll understand more .

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