Yesterday I was chating with a photographer whose work I really admire. I don’t know what he likes in my photography, I don’t understand why, but he says he does like my work (let’s just believe him, shall we?).
In addition of being a good photographer, he seems like a good person also. He helped me much with the advises he gave me so far. Somewhere along our interaction about photography related stuff, my emotional side came trough. I said that I’m very emotional. I’ll cry at anything slightly sad.
Ok, so that will be an introduction. He’s a photographer, doesn’t have Misophonia and he probably didn’t even hear about it before reading about it here. I’ll ask him if he heard about it.
Yesterday he said that he read my blog and he said:”Yes, you are very emotional.” The first thing that came to my mind after reading that quoted sentence was: “Oh, he’s too kind. He probably doesn’t have proper words to express what he truly feels about my nerve racking posts about Misophona. I suppose he would give me a much stronger explanation about what he really felt when reading what I wrote there, but he is probably worried about expressing himself in that way, in a sense that I am an emotional person and maybe I wont know how to deal with his impressions. “ Saying all this a bit shorter, he worried about hurting my feelings if he says what he really thinks. I repeat. This is just my thinking, not his.
I don’t know what was coming trough his head or trough any non Miso head when he/she was reading about Avalanche, The naked truth about me, What it really feels like. I just know that it must be at least overwhelming, if anything else.
For a moment I thought I scared him off. I said exactly that: “Don’t let me scare you off with my writing.”
There are a few people I want to encounter here on the www and I was afraid they’ll be gone after reading my blog.
So, yesterday I was having second thoughts about the way I presented myself here.
It would be better if I said something along these lines: “I’m a very nice, pleasant person. Come and join me, I promise we’ll have some good time together.” It would be “nicer” thing to do, everyone want to present themselves in a good way, nicer people will drawn nice attention and more people will be willing to spend some time with them. Perhaps I could try not to be brutally honest and let you know my worse after a while… But again, I can’t do that. I am brutally honest, and I do feel that absurd feelings.
Look at the comment I got in the Avalanche post “When I started reading this, I wondered: ”What this girl is talking about?” But, when I got to the end, to the last paragraph, I’ve realized I’m the lucky one. Thank you! “
People can’t comprehend and I really understand that, really. That amount of rage and bad emotions for that kind of sounds just seems unbelievable and wrong. It’s ridiculous that we are bothered by such stupidities.
And I’m not saying either, that every Miso person feels exactly the same way as I do, but we do understand each other. If I’m reading what someone else wrote about his/her feelings, those can be just slightly different then mine own.
I got some opinions about Miso feelings from Miso people and they understand what I’m writing about.
I threw my worst feelings here, and I’ll continue that, after all this is a therapy for me and it can actually help some people to know that they’re not alone in this Misophonia mess. I told you the worst things about me, the things that no one in real life knows about. I described myself as an awful person. I gave you the worst of me. The rest of me is pretty ok, in case you wonder.
And as I explained to the photographer I mentioned at the beginning of this post, I’m an emotional person but I’m not fragile at all.
I wont break into pieces if someone doesn’t like the way I do my photography, the way I write or the way I express myself. I wont fell apart if you don’t like me as a person and don’t understand the thing I’m saying, if you disagree with what I want to say and if you decide to go and never come back. Call me a freak if you wish and move on.
It’s ok not to like me, above anything else I appreciate honesty and respect other’s people point of view.
On the other side, when I put my worst feelings here and let the whole world know about them , I started to receive some positive feedback from other “Non Miso” people. I guess they appreciate honesty. One of those people linked my intensified senses with my photography. It was interesting to think about that relation.
So Miso people and “Non Miso” people, you’ve heard about the bad part of me, and it will be more of those probably, but if you can accept me after reading about it, maybe you’ll discover my “fine” side. And that’s entirely up to you to discover, I’m not comfortable saying nice things about myself.
Another point of this post is to tell Mispohonia people to not be so much bothered if someone doesn’t get you, people don’t get lots of things about other people, that’s just the way it is in life. I know it’s easier to say then to do it actually, but for a start, we have each other. Things will hopefully be changed for better once Misophonia gets scientific attention it deserves.