I wrote this a few days back. I was really having some hard time coping with Miso lately. My tolerance was just non existing. Seriously, I needed just a second long exposure to the sounds or gesticulations and I would go insane.
I hate Miso!!!!! I hate it so much… I’m running out of patience and the will to deal with it these past few days.
I’m going nuts! In a second! Can’t tolerate anything! I’m exhausted of tolerating everything! And the worse part is the stupid reason I’m nuts. Who would believe me if I say what make me nuts!???
My husband came home after 8 days being on a trip, he was a participant in a sport competition in another state.
He came in late, and we sat on the couch almost immediately because I wanted to hear everything. He looked good. He’s handsome and charismatic. I like when we separate a bit just because of that first impression I get every time I see him after a few days. I missed him. I’m happy. I’m glad he’s home.
In a split of a second everything is changed… I hate!!!! He makes those really strong gesticulations and he makes grimaces! I can’t stand it! I don’t know what the hell is he talking about because I’m so concentrated on how I’ll survive without not snapping at him and ruin everything.
The fact that I love the guy and I’m really glad he’s here doesn’t mean a thing! I hate hate hate hate hate! I know it’s not him… even in those moments when I feel that much hatred towards him personally. I know what is happening and I’m glad that I know the name for it… but does it help in neutralizing my feelings? Does it help in communicating with him? I can barely look at his face!
I waited till he finished saying what he has to say and I went to bed.
He was too tired and I was to exhausted for that 20 minutes. It was like every bit of my strength is sucked out of me. I simply don’t have any idea with what I could compared this to? What to say someone who don’t know a thing about Miso? I hate my husband. No I don’t hate him. Yes I do. I love him. How can you love and hate someone? Oh yes, I can.
I remember the exact moment when I realize that one day I’ll be in a trouble. I was watching him eat .
It was a few years ago and we were maybe dating for a year or so. He was making some characteristic movements with his hands. It just crossed my mind: “One day, I will so hate seeing him eat…” For a long time I couldn’t understand why I think those movements are characteristic. I realized it one day. He is born left handed, but learned to use right hand primarily. The result is that he use both hands for things I would use just right hand. For the most part it’s interesting seeing him doing his thing, f.e. while driving and answering phone and changing speeds (don’t do that yourself!)- I could never have the body coordination like that… but when he eats I’m nuts.
Back to the present… Who would like to be bombarded like this?
You can’t chose the situation when Miso will strike. You can’t say: “Could you please come in some other time, I would like to enjoy with my husband a bit”. I really missed him and I really wanted to hear everything and have a nice evening talking to him. But… it simply doesn’t work that way.
Did he noticed that something is happening inside of me? No, he didn’t. He was too tired, he was traveling for about 12 hours. He wanted to tell me about the competition and go to sleep. But even if he wasn’t tired I don’t think he would notice. He would just see that characteristic frozen look on my face.
People see me that way in the moment when Miso is making my nerves explode. Serious and frozen.
No matter how badly you don’t want to have those feelings because you would like to be relaxed and enjoy the conversation, it’s just not possible. That’s one of the curses of Miso.