Sounds of Shutter

Being a part of Yahoo’s supportive group made me realize that not only people who suffer from Misophonia will try to found some information about this conditions, but also the parents of the children who suffer from it, trying to understand this condition a bit better .

I decided to write thoroughly about how Misophonia really feels by telling you how an ordinary day in my life looks like. Maybe it will help you understand your child better and truly see what he or she is confronted by every singe day.

This is how my yesterday looked like.

Monday. Working day. The end of the working day. Went to pick my kids up from my parents home. I’ll have a lunch there also.

Even before I open the door of their apartment I know what I’m gonna be faced with in just a few seconds. Their apartment is like a ticking time bomb for me. They’re my biggest triggers.

We live not far away and see each other almost every day. I like the fact that my mom is available to take care of my kids while I’m at work. That way I’m sure they will be properly fed, take cared of and raised with some good manners. I like the fact that we see each other often, however that also means that I’ll go nuts for sure, every time I see my parents.

I’m opening the doors, entering, washing my hands, hugging my kids, laughing, talking with them, tickling them, playing with them (they’re toddlers).

In the same time, in the background I could see my mother setting up the table and starting to eat. The distance between us is about ten feet. I face her with my back trying to concentrate on my kids and me playing with them. I’m changing the tone of my voice trying to be as loud as I possibly can while laughing and playing with them.

That’s not helpful at all. I can still hear her. I can hear her chewing and spoon and fork and dishes tangling. I’m going nuts inside. My heart is pumping fast, my nerves are cracking. I want to scream! I want to run out that place and never ever come back!

But, if you were there,  looking at me you’ll just notice a nice children-parent scene. I’m still playing with my children and laughing. I’m doing that all the time she’s eating and after.

It took her forever to finally get up out the table. How long does the average meal last? I don’t know, it lasts forever for me.

As soon as she finished her meal I became relaxed, like,  nothing has been happening just moments ago.  I could finally fully enjoy with my children.

The doors open. My husband is here to pick us up and to have a lunch. After kissing, hugging children, he sits at the table. He’s hungry. I’m done. I’m loosing my patience. He eats soup and fortunately in that moment I remembered a guy who wrote about avoiding triggers in Yahoo group few days ago, and I’m off to the kitchen sink to let the water trough the tap. I stood there entire time. Luckily no one called me or asked me what the hell am I doing.

Next course. I’m already gone, lost it, however you call it. I can’t look at him, I can’t participate in some small talks between him and my parents. I have no place left, to escape, to shut all doors and windows, to be sounds free. No patience, no tolerance, no common sense. I’m just asking God not to let anybody asks me something or refers to me with something. Please, could you please stop this hell!!!?

A different, a tiny part of me is yelling inside: Relax! Will you!? Think about something else. Focus on children’s laughing. Focus on the water. Focus on something happy. Ignore! There’s nothing wrong with how people eat or how they move their body while eating! Pull yourself together! This is outrageous! You need to put this under your control!

It’s needless to say that I can’t follow my own orders. I wish I could cry or scream or anything else… I wish he could eat in just a second. I wish I was  normal.

I took his plate the moment I saw it’s empty and put it next to sink. I know I did that in an angry manner. He said: “Why did you do that? Did you ask me am I finished? I’m not done yet.”

Oh my God! Shoot me please! I can’t stand another few minutes of the torture! Do you hear me!? Can’t stand it!

I returned his plate. He continued to eat while I was dying. I couldn’t go anywhere else, couldn’t do anything else to defend myself. I sat there and watched myself being whipped by his sounds and movements.

He finished at last and I could cry. Who would believe me if I told them what I was just been trough!?

We packed the kids and went to a grocery store. Everything is normal now. My husband went to buy some snacks ( he doesn’t usually snack, I don’t know what came into him nowadays) And all I was thinking about was: “Please don’t buy them…don’t” I didn’t say anything, I just watched him buying stupid snacks.

At home  I remembered again to try to avoid sounds. While he was snacking I let the water coming from the tap, I was singing, I was playing with my children, I was making some pudding and washing the dishes…I was doing everything I could to block those sounds… Nothing. Nothing helps.

I feel my heart pumping fast, my body temperature raises, my nerves are cracking… Oh God… here we go again…

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