The loyal companions of Miso.
I remember how heavy the burden was that I carried with me. I remember that characteristic “eating me up inside” feeling I felt going through the every day of my life. The guilt.
The rage was also present every day, of course, but I did have some time to recover. The rage was and is there while the triggers were/are there. It comes quickly, and spreads all over me faster than I can inhale. Every cell in my body boils to the point that it hurts.
I don’t know how to stop it. I don’t know how to get it out without hurting anybody around me while doing what I wish I could do. I know I want to scream and I want to hit something. I know I’ll go nuts and it’s just a matter of time until I snap and break something. I also know it will pass, but in those moments, waiting for the rage to go away seems unbearable and impossible.
The truth is… I never break anything…
The difference between “I’ll go nuts right at this moment” and “I’m ok now” is measured in a picosecond. I can also count the number of minutes I spent feeling rage. It’s something like a gazillion minutes.
However, I can’t put a number on how much time I spent on feeling guilt. All the time left after the rage is gone was the time reserved for the quilt.
I was such an awful, weird person who gets enraged by some silly chewing, smacking, breathing that’s happening across the room; who runs from certain people just because the way they talk with their hands and make grimaces while they talk.
A person who spend so much time hating stupidities must be awful. And unfortunately, I made the peace with the fact that I was one of those bad people living on the face of the Earth.
How could I feel that amount of rage towards someone whom I love deeply, and who loves me also? How could I be so grateful to someone because he/she has just done something really nice to me in one moment, but then in the next moment when he/she decides to have a random bite of some fruit, I flip? How come that “bite of fruit” is stronger than “doing something nice for me? ” Rage vs. feeling grateful and happy. Miso wins almost exclusively.
Only God knows how many times I was so happy and excited and hurrying home to tell my parents all about something that had just happened. I would enter the room with the biggest smile оn my face, determined that I wouldn’t let the rage ruin everything this time… But then… it’s just… before I got the chance to say the true reason of my excitement, my mother would make a characteristic sound or movement and I would be done. Right then and there. Drained to the core of my being and left without any desire to tell them why I was happy a moment ago. Wait… I even already forgot that I had been happy in the first place.
Another silly, stupid argument that came out of nowhere.
What after? The same pressure we all felt every time after arguing about unnecessary, irrelevant reasons. About the way I react out of nowhere. Wasn’t I happy a moment ago? I think I was, but I ruined it again. The concern about me for them, and the guilt for me.
Sometimes I would just sit through their “parenting class,” completely aware that what they’re saying is true; I am really “impossible to live with.” While they were talking, I would be whipped by their sounds and gesticulations. I would look down and slightly turn my head so I could avoid looking at their faces, out of the fear that I’ll pick up another trigger. I’m just not able to put up with another explosion!
They weren’t aware that they were already punishing me. I was, and I felt I deserved that.
I would embrace the guilt and go through life with it. Because, it truly was my fault. I ruined the moment yesterday, today, and I know I’ll ruin it tomorrow.
Knowing about Miso brought me relief; the burden is not that heavy any more, but it’s still here, on my shoulders.
Very well written, bravo!
Thank you Janet! I hope I could describe a bit how we all feel…
Wonderfully written. Thank you.
As I already told Janet in the group, this kind feedback keep me writing this blog. Thank you for letting me know.
I’ve had miso for just over 2 years and I am well past the stage of controlling my anger but I always feel bad about my outbursts. I generally hit and punch myself with seemingly no control as I also have constant chronic pain which agitates me along with all day exposure to jumbo jets from nearby Melbourne airport. Along with the fact I have seemingly no control over circumstances in my life to make any changes. As long as I can block it out then I have just accepted it for now and that means having something in my ears at most times.
almost all of the Miso stories are so similar, aren’t they?
I do see how your circumstances are really difficult and I just want to stress the importance of not harming yourself in any way! Please take care and don’t channel the anger right back at yourself. It’s already enough that Miso do the harm… Please find another way of coping. Have you tried meditation?
Thanks for writing. I actually cried when I read it because it hit so close to home.
This explains so much, thank you!
Teresa and Christine, thank you for letting me know!
Thank you MMaria
Yes I’m trying all of those relaxing things but chronic pain and miso make a very powerful combo. I’m trying meds at the moment.
I would really like to say something helpful, but, honestly, I’m not good at it… I’m sending you some nice energy and wish that everything bad goes away!
Im grateful to be finding people wired similarly. Actually its like Disneyland reading this and all the comments on the miso fb page. Thank you maria and everyone. I struggle with mouth sounds for the last 33 years. I relate to you talking about your mother. My mom draws out her s sounds. I can’t talk to her too much. Ear plugs make it easier. The make shift kind. Toilet paper and water rolled up. It must be freshly wet to really block out sound. Then I say “what” a lot to try and communicate but its the only way. I used to get really agitated to have to put them in every damn day and I still do. But I’m also used to it. I also relate to you feeling guilty. I felt ashamed of it and I felt like a broken useless piece of shit. I knew that without this disorder I’d probably be quite a functional person. In fact my problem might have been being an over achiever. I feel that the road that misophonia has taken me down has been long and difficult but I wouldn’t have half the insight and compassion that I do now.nowadays I do yoga by myself with DVDs and I eat a lot of raw organic fruits and veggies. I’m looking into other natural alternative treatments too.
You’re welcome Char! I see you’ve just found out about Miso, Disneyland was funny
Glad you’re doing yoga and eat healthy. I eat healthy myself and I used to practice yoga (I have to go back to doing yoga!) My favorite and after a while only yoga was “7 Tibetans” Perfect exercises! I recommend them because they’re easy, don’t last long and their effect on your body gets to be noticed very quickly.
Hope you’ll be a bit better when you know that there are more of us feeling the same! Well, at least, that’s one of my comfort in this mess.
Thank you very much for the much needed poignant article. Unfortunately, I can relate to our miso struggle,especially the part about guilt, because no matter how much hell a trigger causes it’s only temporary(even if it takes me a while to calm down), but guilt seems to last an eternity. My selective miso trigger is my mother eating, and although I should have an unlimited amount of respect and gratitude towards her, when I’m in a rage from a trigger I can treat her in quite a nasty manner, also in general I am a gentleman towards everyone, so my reaction towards my mother doesn’t represent who I really am, well to me that just makes it even more shameful.
the situation you’re describing bugged me for whole my life. One of my biggest issues was and still is my mother and I’m trying to deal with it, and it’s not working.
My family used to say: “How come you’re smiling constantly when you are somewhere outside but when you’re at home you’re serious and won’t talk to anybody.” I avoided talking because I knew what will happen with me and i didn’t want to be rude or something. Of course I didn’t try to explain myself because it’s my fault and I knew I have no proper explanation. I was acting badly towards people I love, I knew I’m not like that in the core but I couldn’t help it… I still can’t.
At least we all understand each other…