I really can’t remember when my Misophonia started. Others seem to start experiencing it during the puberty. I just can’t remember.
All I remember were sleepless nights and that characteristic awful feel of uncontrolled rage.
I slept in a room next to my brother’s room and there was some decent space between mine and my parents room. I used to wake up in the middle of the night hearing my father snores. Two concrete walls and three doors between us and I could still hear him!
I would stare at ceiling waiting for him to stop and who knows how many times I would start a monologue with the only goal to make my heart not to pump that fast and make my nerves not to tremble that much.
I would put two heavy pillows on my head leaving me just a bit of space to breath… but I could still hear him. My hands and ears would hurt because of the pressure of my hands placed firmly on my ears. To me, his snoring could easily crash that building. I’ve often wished that it really crashed!
I would woke him up, and a thousand times after I came back to my bed he would start again! I would go to his room to wake him up, again… And again, and again… Until someone of us, me or him, snaps and yells! “Go back to your bed. Sleep!”
Some times I would cry out of anger and helplessness because he was snoring again! I would tell: “Could you please stop snoring!? Please!?” with tears in my eyes. Sometimes he would give me an ok “Go back to sleep ” answer but other times he would yell: “Could you leave me alone! I’m sleeping! I have to go to work in the morning!”
After feeling rage with his 99th breath/snore realizing that he wont stop, I would cry. Crying comes after the body collapse out of those strong feelings, when there’s no strength left in your bones, muscles or heart. When you’ll left alone to fight the never ending killing sound. I cried out my nights.
Family meals. Oh my God!
My parents think that a family needs to eat together. Family meals are a nice joyful time when everyone talk about how they spent their day, eat and laugh. It’s about being with your family. I think that also. One of the most important things a family needs to do is to eat together.
Every meal, breakfast, lunch, supper, snack… every day was a torture for me.
What I did to fight it? Nothing. I thought I was responsible for letting those sounds get me. They would be deeply involved in their eating, breathing, enjoying… At the time when someone notice that I’m not speaking or even looking at them I would already be so angry that I couldn’t say anything except being rude or just snap at them. Then, they would snap at me and so on…
I was, and still am torn because I think the family meals should be eaten together with my family members.
I died every time and with every meal eaten on that table.
I hated myself every time when my mom catches cold and that cold changes her voice… every time my father yawns… every breath my brother takes or every sniffing sound my other brother makes…I hated them in those moments, but hatred would go after they stop making triggers, the quilt would take over. And after few minutes it was like nothing has happened. I loved them again… until another attack.
Maybe the worst of all mentioned was that I hated my self. Not during the meals, during the sleeps, during exposure… I hated myself anytime. Why am I a such difficult, strange and horrible person?
I didn’t have the luxury of knowing that there is a reason for feeling those feelings. I didn’t ask for understanding because I didn’t know that there is something there for someone to understand. I thought that hose feelings were just and only my fault.
It would be much, much easier for me if I only knew that there is a name and that there are other people somewhere in the world like me.
I would like to tell the parents whose children suffer from Miso. You made a a great progress and gave your child a great gift if you acknowledge his/her Miso. Being a supportive parent is the only thing you can do in this situation. Be as patient as you can be, please, I know how exhausting Miso is, but find some strength and make sure that the child knows you’re in this together.