Sounds of Shutter

I’ve been very busy at my work lately so I haven’t been around here as much as I wanted to be. There was always something going on and I couldn’t manage to have some time for myself. I need some time for myself. I needed a piece of quietness. I needed a piece of  peace but I couldn’t get it on work or home these past few days.

So yes, I’m under a lot of stress lately. I’m trying to finish numerous and various tasks during my working hours and being a mom of two toddlers doesn’t allow me to get some rest.

Of course, along with everything that is pronounced when someone is stressed my Mispohonia is unbearable.

On the job I must keep it together, but I really can’t tell you how I manage. I don’t know. I’m a robot sometimes. Really, I shut myself completely and become a robot. I work and talk like a robot. No feelings and no life in me. I’ll try anything just to get me trough the day.

I’m fairly good with multitasking but this was just overwhelming.

On the top of that I was trying to finish my application for a workshop in Brussels, Belgium, in April. I really want to go and I really wanted my application to be good, but I wasn’t able to found the time to work on it in the way I think I should. I had to work on it for a few days, and I don’t like that. I don’t like to partially do things I care about. Every time I had a few seconds I would open that application to fill it, but as soon as I started to write something down, my next task will appear.  I did eventually fill that application and sent it. Now I’m waiting for their response. The number of participants is limited by 6 per a country, so we will see. They did notify me though, after receiving it, that my application is considered as administratively complete so my part here is done, and I’m not worried anymore. Even if they don’t choose me it will be ok because the reason they reject me wont be some administrative mistake I’m responsible of.

Now, Misophonia part, or Misophonia when I’m stressed out.

After the work few days ago, I went to pick my kids up from my parents apartment. I entered in the apartment and immediately saw that my mother is eating. My heart squeezed itself! My longs couldn’t breath. What to do!? If I closed my eyes (I react on a visual stimuli as much as on a sound) I could still hear her.

The panic attack, the realization that I’ll have to watch her and hear her in the next half an hour (she eats extremely slow), the well known hell I’ll go trough, the helplessness, the hopelessness… and much more… sensations were just hitting me in those moments.

There are numerous reactions happening in my body every time. I wish I can compare what I’m experiencing when I go trough this with something else I go trough, but I can’t.

She looked at me and asked: “Would you see what’s up with  Skype on the laptop?” She asked me that few times before and I didn’t have the time, I wanted to fix Skype and said “Ok” thinking how that will at least distract me from her eating. I totally forgot how much I hate that laptop and Windows 8!

She’s eating and that fact is present in me every second. She’s eating. She’s eating!

The moment I opened that laptop I wanted to throw it trough the window! I hate Windows 8 and I hate that particular touchpad! I hate! Being stressed from the work, from her eating, from everything that was happening for the  past few days my body simply couldn’t stand anything anymore. She asked me something, I don’t know what. I know I yelled: “I will throw this laptop! I can’t do this. Find someone else!”

Did I actually throw it? No. Did I stand up from the place I was sitting and show exactly how much I was mad? No. Have I done anything, I mean anything to physically show what I was going trough? No. All of my anger and frustration were concentrated in my voice, because I can’t, it’s not allowed to get rid of that madness by breaking something or acting how I feel inside.

I admire human mechanisms. I admire how my body listen to the “normal” part of my brain which tells my body not to trow that laptop, not to smash it, not to yell and break everything I can break.

That tiny, almost invisible string which keeps my sanity will just snap one day. I’m afraid.

My father was watching tv, my mother was eating this whole time. My voice was screaming somewhere inside my body.

They asked me several times “What’s wrong with Skype?” I would answer sometimes, with those short killing answers spiced with the ugliest tone of mine.

I couldn’t bare it anymore. I couldn’t scream and yell for real. There was nothing and no one real to yell about there… Just me, the stupid Windows 8 , the touchpad with the mind of its own and sounds and movements which made me crazy!

I did the only thing I could do at that moment. I started to cry. 

Before they noticed I ordered my brain to stop the tears, I wiped them off of my face with my hand.

I inhaled out of the relief. She finished with her meal.

I couldn’t care less about the Windows 8, the touchpad, Skype or anything. I just embraced and loved those 5 minutes of sounds free that came after.

I know the importance of those minutes after. I need them to fill me up with the energy needed to go trough the rest of the day.

Funny thing, isn’t it? I just needed her to be done with her meal so I could start to feel normal again.

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