You know that feeling when your heart doesn’t know how to properly pump your blood even though it has been doing that without a mistake just a few seconds ago. When your throat is acting like it’s being strangled slowly and there is no way you could swallow your own saliva without feeling that awful pressure.
You want to say something ordinary to someone who is currently around you and that’s not the person you want to be around in that moment, you know that if you open your mouth the only sound that’s capable to come out is someone else’s voice. You can’t afford using your own voice, you’ve lost it. It’s somewhere inside, hidden from the behavior that’s socially accepted, screaming.
You want to breath normally. You want to act normally.
Your brain issues hundreds of warnings and directions to your body in a second, trying to make your body looks normal, like nothing is going on. The eyes can’t focus on just one thing, can’t be calm and there is no way you could keep your hands still.
Your head is about to explode. Your guts is twisted in the most unlikely ways.
You know that truly, objectively, nothing is really going on at this very moment for anyone except you. But that doesn’t help.
It’s the avalanche and you can’t stop it. You can’t do anything except to observe what will it do to you this time and evaluate how much damage will be produced.
There’s no successful autosuggestion to inject in your cells right here and right now. There’s no the genie in the bottle anyplace you can reach, to make this go away. There’s no the way out except to wait for the calmness to come.
Sometimes it lasts for a couple of minutes, sometimes it lasts for a couple of hours, sometimes it takes over your whole day.
In some parallel universe of yours you can clearly hear numerous voices in your head telling you it’s not worthy, you should calm down. You know they’re right. You know that’s the sanity trying to pull you out from that place. What will happen if you can’t follow that voices any more, if they loose that bit of the strength and effect they have on you. What then!?
If you are your own medication or cure or psychiatrist or support, you know that calmness comes from inside of your head. You wont feel your head’s heaviness anymore and that dull buzz in your ears will start to be toned down. After some time your hands will feel relaxed and your throat will be liberated from that invisible squeezing hands.
However your guts wont give up that easily. You’ll have to carry that knot for awhile.
When the avalanche passes by and you’re able to take a deep breath with a large amount of the oxygen actually coming to your longs, you’ll start to wonder why did you let yourself going trough this one more time.
Your sanity speaks out.
There are two ways to end this.
You can decide to cry. Let yourself to be more vulnerable, more sad and more angry, more depressed, more broken apart. Tears will bring some relief nicely if you train them for that task.
Or, you can keep playing the strongest one. Acknowledge what has just happened, analyze yourself statistically and objectively and move on. There’s no time to spend some quality time with yourself now.
I decided to write, this time.
If you don’t know what the hell I’m talking about, great, good for you! Just forget what you’ve read and consider yourself a lucky one.