Some mornings and some days I feel like I’m not in a mood for photography, for dealing with Misophonia, for dealing with people… I just need some peace and a bed to lay down.
Maybe a bed in a wooden cabin somewhere in the woods? Oh, that would be great. Carved wooden furniture, big windows and the woods all around the cabin. Of course, there’s no angry wild animals in my woods.
Only sound I could hear is the sound of the fire in a big nice fireplace. Actually, one of the most pleasing sounds for me, are the sounds of fire in the fireplace.
Dreaming can’t hurt, right?
Somewhere along the way you learn how to deal with some unpleasant feelings you feel and have no much control off. Two words: chronic pain. Now you know why I’m dreaming awake.
People who have that luxury of dragging a chronic pain in their life will know when I mention that I’m tired of it. I can’t fight it today. I have no strength to deal with it and pretend that everything will pass if I just smile a bit.
I’m not playing that role today. Not today.
The moment I opened my eyes this morning, I knew it will come. It comes just like it came every time before. You start to notice little warnings about its coming and you chose to ignore the warnings in a hope that it will change its mind and wont come to you.
The time when pain killers start to not help you as much as they used to is the time when a panic comes. How on the Earth will I go through this? You realize that you’re left alone and there’s nothing and no one who can help you dealing the pain. That is the time for you to start exploring more about yourself. Pushing your limits as far as you can.
This was my, almost twenty years long journey…
I’ve dealt with my pain with anger for years. I was mad and angry at myself and the pain. That helps a little bit, but doesn’t solve a thing and you’re just doing wrong to your body.
I tried to make a peace with the pain, to get to know it, to embrace it, to love it… All those coping mechanisms which tell you that you’re the one responsible for the pain and your body, everything is in your head, made peace with it and else… I let the anger come out, I let the sadness to come out, I let everything I could possibly link to that pain in order to fight it and I couldn’t win.
Few years ago I was in Tokyo, Disneyland, enjoying the tour. I wasn’t expecting the pain to come, I didn’t have my painkillers with me, I totally forgot about them. I was happy, enjoying, laughing and decided to go trough the pain completely controlling it. I wasn’t panicing. After a while it was clear that I wont be able to go trough it like that. I warned our coordinator and asked about pain killers. She said, that’s not easy to buy there. We went to the Emergency room, they gave me some mild pill and that was the only thing they could do. Ok, I understood the whole situation. The coordinator told me she would give me a massage to help me with the pain. We went on a boat tour. I can’t remember the tour. We came out of the boat, the colleague helped me to stand on my legs. I fainted. I passed my pain threshold. They transferred me in a hospital.
I don’t have low tolerance on pain, don’t get me wrong. I had kidney stone f.e. but the pain I’m talking about is worse then kidney stone, it’s different.
I was asked by a photographer recently: “What inspires me?” Oh, I really don’t have any idea about what inspires me. I answered: “Pain.” He must thought I’m just a crazy person.
I’m not crazy, but somehow I am drawn to the pain in people. Not just physical pain. I think maybe because I empathize much with them.
I wanted to be a doctor, but life gave me something completely different.
Even in my photography, when I do documentary, it’s much easier for me to capture the truth then in any other genre of photography. I’m not good at happy-happy-joy-joy scenes. I want to create happy-happy-joy-joy scenes, or portraits or self portraits, but I struggle with it. It doesn’t come to me smoothly as it should…
My happy photography is children photography.
The same photographer also noticed the difference between my nature shots and people shots. “You have a great feel for landscape which I see you show in full colour but are uncomfortable with portraits which tend to be less colourful” And he is completely right. Photography does tell the viewer who the photographer is. Nature I enjoy and show it as it is. People I can’t shoot if I don’t have compassion. I don’t know how to shoot happiness in people, because I search in them other things I can relate to.
One of my issues is that I want to be able to shoot happy- happy- joy -joy. Maybe it’s a good idea to take a break from wanting something I struggle with and just embrace the things I feel more comfortable with?
Ok, well see…