Chronic pain feeling

Some mornings and some days I feel like I’m not in a mood for photography, for dealing with Misophonia, for dealing with people… I just need some peace and a bed to lay down.

Maybe a bed in a wooden cabin somewhere in the woods? Oh, that would be great. Carved wooden furniture, big windows and the woods all around the cabin. Of course,  there’s no angry wild animals in my woods.

Only sound I could hear is the sound of the fire in a big nice fireplace. Actually, one of the most pleasing sounds for me, are the sounds of fire in the fireplace.

Dreaming can’t hurt, right?

Somewhere along the way you learn how to deal with some unpleasant feelings you feel and have no much control off. Two words: chronic pain. Now you know why I’m dreaming awake.

People who have that luxury of dragging a chronic pain in their life will know when I mention that I’m tired of it. I can’t fight it today. I have no strength to deal with it and pretend that everything will pass if I just smile a bit.

 I’m not playing that role today. Not today.

The moment I opened my eyes this morning, I knew it will come. It comes just like it came every time before. You start to notice little warnings about its coming and you chose to ignore the warnings in a hope that it will change its mind and wont come to you.

The time when pain killers start to not help you as much as they used to is the time when a panic comes. How on the Earth will I go through this? You realize that you’re left alone and there’s nothing and no one who can help you dealing the pain. That is the time for you to start exploring more about yourself. Pushing your limits as far as you can.

This was my, almost twenty years long journey…

I’ve dealt with my pain with anger for years. I was mad and angry at myself and the pain. That helps a little bit, but doesn’t solve a thing and you’re just doing wrong to your body.

I tried to make a peace with the pain, to get to know it, to embrace it, to love it…  All those coping mechanisms which tell you that you’re the one responsible for the pain and your body, everything is in your head, made peace with it and else… I let the anger come out, I let the sadness to come out, I let everything I could possibly link to that pain in order to fight it and I couldn’t win.

Few years ago I was in Tokyo, Disneyland, enjoying the tour. I wasn’t expecting the pain to come, I didn’t have my painkillers with me, I totally forgot about them. I was happy, enjoying, laughing and decided to go trough the pain completely controlling it. I wasn’t panicing. After a while it was clear that I wont be able to go trough it like that. I warned our coordinator and asked about pain killers. She said, that’s not easy to buy there. We went to the Emergency room, they gave me some mild pill and that was the only thing they could do. Ok, I understood the whole situation. The coordinator told me she would give me a massage to help me with the pain. We went on a boat tour. I can’t remember the tour. We came out of the boat, the colleague helped me to stand on my legs.  I fainted. I passed my pain threshold. They transferred me in a hospital.

I don’t have low tolerance on pain, don’t get me wrong. I had kidney stone f.e. but the pain I’m talking about is worse then kidney stone, it’s different.

I was asked by a photographer recently: “What inspires me?” Oh, I really don’t have any idea about what inspires me. I answered: “Pain.” He must thought I’m just a crazy person.

I’m not crazy,  but somehow I am drawn to the pain in people. Not just physical pain.  I think maybe because I empathize much with them.

 I wanted to be a doctor, but life gave me something completely different.

Even in my photography, when I do documentary, it’s much easier for me to capture the truth then in any other genre of photography. I’m not good at happy-happy-joy-joy scenes. I want to create happy-happy-joy-joy scenes, or portraits or self portraits, but I struggle with it. It doesn’t come to me smoothly as it should…

My happy photography is children photography.

The same photographer also noticed the difference between my nature shots and people shots.  “You have a great feel for landscape which I see you show in full colour but are uncomfortable with portraits which tend to be less colourful”  And he is completely right. Photography does tell the viewer who the photographer is.  Nature I enjoy and show it as it is. People I can’t shoot if I don’t have compassion. I don’t know how to shoot happiness in people, because I search in them other things I can relate to.

One of my issues is that I want to be able to shoot happy- happy- joy -joy. Maybe it’s a good idea to take a break from wanting something I struggle with and just embrace the things I feel more comfortable with?

Ok, well see…


Author Description

I love photography and learning about it. I'll try and fail that's for sure, but sometimes, I hope, I'll do good. As for the Misophonia part of the blog, I'll write honestly about my experiences and feelings, trying to help myself and others who feel the same way as I do and maybe to raise some awareness about this condition. All written here is just and only my opinion.

4 Responses to “Chronic pain feeling”

  1. Cara February 12, 2014 - Reply

    Hi there. I was just reading your post on chronic pain, and unfortunately, I can so relate to you! I’ve dealt with chronic pain for 11 years. I broke my tailbone on, of all the crazy things, a rollercoaster! Many doctors, procedures, injections, physical therapy, surgeries etc later, my pain only worsened. I had become the exception to the rule! I searched and searched for help, all over the country. It was such an emotional rollercoaster, no pun intended lol. And there were times when i faced rejection from a doctor with the dreaded “there’s nothing more we can do to help you” response that I just had to stop the fight for awhile. I wasn’t able to take yet another low in my journey. I would tell My amazing supportive family, I need a break. I need to quit the fight for a few weeks or however long. I knew I’d start the fight again. Giving up completely just wasn’t an option. I was 30 when I was injured, and had a 5 year old daughter. So I know just what you mean when you say you had no fight in you that day! I’m not sure if you still suffer with chronic pain or not, but I wanted to offer some information. You may already know all about it, but just in case you don’t, I thought I’d share! I was finally told there were no other options out there for me. It was just down to pain management. After many years on different pain killers, my doctor suggested a pain pump (or morphine pump), which is technically called an intrathecal pump. When I heard morphine pump I immediately said no. I was given morphine when I had my daughter c-section and I’d fall asleep mid sentence. Again, I had a 5yo daughter to take care of and too much of my life to live…I couldn’t live as a zombie. After awhile, I started to do some research on the pain pump. I was a member of a tailbone support group on Yahoo & searched for the pain pump. I came across the most amazing group ever called “Pumpsters”. It was devoted to information, help and support for anybody with a pump, or looking for information. I was a member there for awhile and with the help of some truly wonderful, caring people, I decided to go for it. I found a Dr who did pumps (not too many do), they did a trial and while in the hospital, I sat up in the bed with no pain for the first time in years! My trial was successful & I had my permanent pump implanted. The pump will not give 100% pain relief. It’s a last resort option for people where there is no cure. The pump lasts usually 5-7 years and then the battery dies and they have to replace the entire pump. I had my 2nd pump put in in June 2013. It’s an outpatient surgery and isn’t all that bad. It has given me SO much of my life back. I was given back quality of life! For me, it’s my miracle! Again, I’m not pain free. It’s not a cure. But I’d say it takes away close to 75% of my pain. For me, that’s a huge success! If anybody would like to discuss this further or would like some information, please feel free to email me. My email is I hope you’re having a pain free day today! :)

    • mmaria February 13, 2014 - Reply

      I know it’s sounds terrible to say this, but I’m glad someone understood what I was saying. You know what I mean. I’m not glad that anyone feel the pain of course.
      I could only imagine how must be for you to get trough all of this! I’m also really glad you mentioned the pump option and left you contact information. I hope someone will come across this blog and find that information helpful. Great that you finally found some relief!
      Unfortunately, that’s not an option for me. I don’t have opportunity for trying it.
      Take care and try to laugh as much as possible :)

  2. Cara February 14, 2014 - Reply

    I know exactly what you mean! All to well. Sometimes feeling like you’re all alone in what you’re going through or how you feel can be the worst feeling of all! Although, you wouldn’t wish the pain on your worst enemy let alone a friendly face, it’s nice knowing you’re not alone and that somebody else truly understands!

    It’s definitely been a very rough ride! But I guess it only makes us stronger, right? At least that’s what I keep telling myself! LOL You’re definitely right about laughing!

    I’m sorry to hear it isn’t an option for you! But as you said, if even one person sees it then it’s worth it!

    I wish you all the best and many pain free days/years to come!

    Take care!

    • mmaria February 14, 2014 - Reply

      The whole my life, no matter what happened, I was telling myself that words: “What don’t kill you, just make you stronger!” We have to make something out of anything that life gives to us, in order to a “normal” fulfilling life.

      Of course, all the best! –hugs–

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