I’m a mother of two children, a 3 year old girl and a 20 months old boy.
I don’t need to explain how much I love my children. This is not about explaining how I feel about them. They’re my Sun, my Earth and my home. They’re my everything.
It’s not easy to mention them here. They don’t belong to this section of my blog. No!
This is “who knows and who counts how many” the number of tries I started to write here. I don’t want to write about this here. I feel you’re going to judge me. I judge myself.
I spent plenty of time not admitting myself what is going on.
That was before I knew there is something called Misophonia.
One of my duties as a mother is to be sure that my children are eating properly and to provide them healthy food. I’m actually a bit obsessed with the food they eat. I eat healthy and I love to cook. I like to eat also, but there’s the Miso peeking from some dark spot down there…
I get mad and angry when hearing or seeing someone eats. Everyone except my children. I enjoy when they eat, I’m happy and satisfied because I have no troubles with their eating habits.
It never, ever crossed my mind that they’ll be my target. If someone told me that they will join the others and be a part of my struggle I would say them to shut up! That’s not possible!
It was coming slowly. I was noticing my reactions but didn’t want to notice them.
I clearly remember when I finally gather the strength to admit myself.
I was feeding them. It was the dinner time and a way to do something together (they eat by themselves but I like to feed them from time to time…they grow up so fast) I was watching them chew and enjoy and smack. They were eating some cereals with yogurt.
All of the sudden I had a strong reaction on their sounds! The panic made an entrance! I didn’t want to believe. I still don’t want to believe. I don’t want to live with this. I don’t want them to have such a mom!
But really, it’s wrong to say that this was all of the sudden, I knew that this was coming, I had some reactions before but I just couldn’t face them until that moment. I didn’t want to admit myself. My children entered in my trigger zone.
I felt awful, I still feel awful.
They’re just children for God’s sake, they’re too small, too cute and helpless to be in that zone!
I wasn’t able to look at myself in the mirror that day. The inevitable happened.
For a few days I was thinking about that and how can I survive it. I was talking to myself and wanted to write about my feelings but I just couldn’t. I couldn’t face this properly.
I’ll be good, I can survive even this. I have no other choice. But what will happen when they grow up a bit and I start to yell on them because they’re hungry and want to eat!? When I get mad so much because they snack and can’t control that familiar specific voice of mine when I say someone STOP IT! They deserve better. I hate myself!
It was a relief to read what other mothers wrote about their children. They said that their children are used to the Miso and that they’re acting accordingly. They’ll help me feel like a normal Miso person! ( that’s suppose to be funny) They sound like a hope.
I don’t know how and in what will this evolve. It is happening, that’s for sure.
There are more things related to my Miso and my children but I just don’t have enough of courage to admit and write them here. Even this was an extremely hard to write.
Out of all words written here on this blog, these are the most personal and the most painful words I wrote. If someone walks in here right this moment they could crash me just by looking at me.
8 Responses to “Being a Miso mom”
Thank you so much for sharing. You explain your thoughts, feelings and experiences about misophonia in a way that makes me feel so much less alone in the panic and difficulty of it all.
About your experience as a mother – instead of worrying about the negative things you may do in the future you could focus on the positives. On why they are so lucky to have you as a mother – how you are able to give them so much love that other parents not may be able to give. On how much you clearly care.
Focus on what you give, on all the ‘goods’ not on potentially ‘bad’ behaviors in the future.
Like so many Misos you are probably very self critical – i know that i am.
Thank you Sharon for giving me the support!
You’re right about being self critical and my logic knows that I need to focus on what is good, but…just…right now, my heart is speaking and I’m not able to listen to my logic.
I know that everything will be ok, if I have you Misos, beside me.
You are not alone. I use kleenex in my ears anytime I have to deal with eating with others. I use white noise generators that are available for phones and tablets. The one I like the best is “white noise” I use in ear ear phones. These coping mechanisms are saving my sanity and relationships. I wish I could have had them earlier in my life. Your kids will be able to deal with what you have. They will think everyone is that way when they are young because they won’t know any difference.
Oh Judi,
I can’t put anything in my ears anymore. They’re physically sensitive on everything (earphones, earplugs)… I hope some day they’ll become less sensitive. I try from time to time, but they hurt.
My kids will must deal with this but from the place I’m standing now, what are you saying is a huge accomplishment. To teach them how to deal with it, ask them to understand and in the same time asking from myself not to be so mad and bad! I honestly don’t know if I’m capable for that all.
You Miso moms are keeping me sane. Thank you!
Thank you so much for this lovely, vulnerable, heart-wrenching yet hope-filled account of your experience. I’m sorry for what you feel. For what you are facing & for the realization that your most precious gifts have become triggers.
I cannot say it will get better but I can say that knowing & understanding it is a huge advantage. I wish I knew when my kids were your ages. At least it was an explanation. And thankfully the emotions would subside as quickly as the triggers would.
It may seem like the worst thing in the world–and I won’t say there won’t be times of feeling horrible, but I can say you will raise aware, kind & considerate children with an understanding of those around them…not only those with Miso, but with many things. They will adapt, they will be fine. In their home it will be a normal environment.
I grew up with a Miso Mom & never knew it & I have miso & raised 4 children, now ages 18, 20, 22 & 24. It’s possible. They are great children. They know my love & compassion for them is immovable. They also know to not eat around me without bringing me earplugs–it’s normal life, they accept it.
You can do this & your children will be just fine. Apologies go a long way. We all make mistakes & it’s great for our kids to see us acknowledge them & ask for forgiveness. Humility is a great character trait to pass on & tolerance for what we cannot change & patience for what we don’t understand are also great shaping tools as well. You got this. One day at a time my miso friend. You got this.
Debbie,
thank you so much!
I’m sure that other moms who will be reading what you wrote will find this very helpful and hopeful! I know I did!
I appreciate everything you said and I think of you often. You serve me as a positive and optimistic example!
I’m a mother and now grandmother. I’ve dealt with misophonia from my earliest childhood memories. My kids have had to introduce my affliction to their dumbfounded spouses. My daughter has taught her children about Grandma’s “special need”. And that’s all that it is. Almost everyone we meet has a “special need” of one variety or another. My grandson’s best friend was stricken with leukemia in kindergarten. My son in law has ADHD. My husband can’t participate in many activities with them due to his back pain. It is a lesson in compassion and forgiveness to learn to help those that are struggling. Be open with your children, and enlist their help. Remind them often that their noises are not bad, that they are not wrong for eating, or breathing, or sniffling when they are sick. They will need reminders as you make hasty exits away from the sounds; from your children. It is hard, but I often think of how blessed I am to be with them at all. In the history of the world, there are many mothers deprived of the company of their children altogether. My misophonia has taken a toll. All disabilities do. But life is a learning curve, and we are all pretty resilient. Forgive yourself, and trust in the love your children have for you. They can do this. You can do this. But don’t try to go it alone. They are tougher than you think, and you will all learn together. Keep smiling, and keep taking pictures! (That may define you for them more than the Miso! I am also a photographer and my kids would tell you that that part of my personality was more embarrassing to them than anything else. “No one else’s mom follows them everywhere with a camera! Pleeease stop!” In the end, they were grateful for the captured memories, and they learned very good table manners! Life is still good, even when it’s not ideal. Best wishes tou you and your family! Keep smiling!
Oh Suzanne,
you made me cry! Thank you so much for writing this!
You presented this like it’s simple and “normal” and I’ll need to find a way to think like that and act accordingly. I’ve never thought of this like “everyone has something”… I guess I have to make a peace with myself in order to go trough this with them. I already know it won’t be an easy task to accomplish. I’m going to need some time.
I accepted myself and Miso in every other aspects of life, except with my children. I’m drowning in mixed and heavy emotions.
I honestly don’t know how I would survive without you, other Miso moms.
As I already said, you’ll serve me as a positive and optimistic example!
I’ll invite you in my mind every time I go trough hard times.Thanks again!
All the best! -hugs-