I’m a mother of two children, a 3 year old girl and a 20 months old boy.
I don’t need to explain how much I love my children. This is not about explaining how I feel about them. They’re my Sun, my Earth and my home. They’re my everything.
It’s not easy to mention them here. They don’t belong to this section of my blog. No!
This is “who knows and who counts how many” the number of tries I started to write here. I don’t want to write about this here. I feel you’re going to judge me. I judge myself.
I spent plenty of time not admitting myself what is going on.
That was before I knew there is something called Misophonia.
One of my duties as a mother is to be sure that my children are eating properly and to provide them healthy food. I’m actually a bit obsessed with the food they eat. I eat healthy and I love to cook. I like to eat also, but there’s the Miso peeking from some dark spot down there…
I get mad and angry when hearing or seeing someone eats. Everyone except my children. I enjoy when they eat, I’m happy and satisfied because I have no troubles with their eating habits.
It never, ever crossed my mind that they’ll be my target. If someone told me that they will join the others and be a part of my struggle I would say them to shut up! That’s not possible!
It was coming slowly. I was noticing my reactions but didn’t want to notice them.
I clearly remember when I finally gather the strength to admit myself.
I was feeding them. It was the dinner time and a way to do something together (they eat by themselves but I like to feed them from time to time…they grow up so fast) I was watching them chew and enjoy and smack. They were eating some cereals with yogurt.
All of the sudden I had a strong reaction on their sounds! The panic made an entrance! I didn’t want to believe. I still don’t want to believe. I don’t want to live with this. I don’t want them to have such a mom!
But really, it’s wrong to say that this was all of the sudden, I knew that this was coming, I had some reactions before but I just couldn’t face them until that moment. I didn’t want to admit myself. My children entered in my trigger zone.
I felt awful, I still feel awful.
They’re just children for God’s sake, they’re too small, too cute and helpless to be in that zone!
I wasn’t able to look at myself in the mirror that day. The inevitable happened.
For a few days I was thinking about that and how can I survive it. I was talking to myself and wanted to write about my feelings but I just couldn’t. I couldn’t face this properly.
I’ll be good, I can survive even this. I have no other choice. But what will happen when they grow up a bit and I start to yell on them because they’re hungry and want to eat!? When I get mad so much because they snack and can’t control that familiar specific voice of mine when I say someone STOP IT! They deserve better. I hate myself!
It was a relief to read what other mothers wrote about their children. They said that their children are used to the Miso and that they’re acting accordingly. They’ll help me feel like a normal Miso person! ( that’s suppose to be funny) They sound like a hope.
I don’t know how and in what will this evolve. It is happening, that’s for sure.
There are more things related to my Miso and my children but I just don’t have enough of courage to admit and write them here. Even this was an extremely hard to write.
Out of all words written here on this blog, these are the most personal and the most painful words I wrote. If someone walks in here right this moment they could crash me just by looking at me.