Not so long ago I sent a membership request to Sound Sensitivity support group. I found in my Inbox their acceptance this morning and went there to check it out. Well it’s not easy to menage their message board. Need some time to figure it out.
Anyway, someone posted a PDF, article about Misophonia and I’ve read it. Don’t quite follow it I must admit. This is just overwhelming for me. I’m not even sure what I think about all of this. Don’t feel comfortable when reading articles like that. Their view on people with Misophonia is not something I can chew immediately.
I guess I’m still not used to looking at Misophonia as a separate part of me. As it’s own entity. I’m not sure how to explain this properly. Let me try like this. I have a very sensitive skin. I made a peace with that fact about my body. Had to go trough acceptance, suffering and all normal fazes of accepting something about yourself that you can’t change. So, skin sensitivity is a part of me. I treated it with cream, lotions, and else. I went to doctors for their opinion and advice and done everything else I could do in order to improve my skin quality. Well, my skin quality can’t be changed and doctors seem to don’t know what is the problem with the skin on my face.
As for Misophonia, I’ve never looked at it as a separate part of me. I always thought how awful am I as a person for feeling those feelings. How awful am I when I can’t look or stand someone eating or breathing f.e. when I can’t be in the same room when someone is eating. I can’t talk properly while someone eats in my presence, because I’m concentrating about those avalanche of bad feelings inside of me. I don’t want to show them, but just look at my expression and you’ll see clearly enough.
I can’t hide my face, you’ll see the redness of my skin. But my skin doesn’t bother anyone. It has no effect on someone else, accept they would notice it. The anger I’m dealing with regularly is affecting other people. Do other people care if I have a bit redness on my face, stretchmarks on my body, pale skin ten? No, they don’t. If they like me enough to be a friend with me, they wont care about mentioned. Would they care if I always say them “Please, don’t eat like that” “Could you please, stop breathing like that” and “Could you possibly stop with eating and breathing in the same time!!!” It’s funny, isn’t it? Yeah, I laughed a bit also, but the truth is painful, trust me.
No one beside my closest friends and family know about this. They know because we fought numerous times over and over it.
When I was living with my brother, that period was a serious nightmare when sleeping, eating, breathing were happening. Notice the irony, those activities are happening every day! I used to wake him up numerous time over the night because his breathing would woke me up. I would yell at him: “Stop for God’s sake! Would you just stop!” We are kidding about those awakenings now, I would sometimes call him by his name and say: “You breathe. Stop that!” Yeah, we can laugh about it now, because we’re not living together anymore and his wife has certainly no issues with his breathing. But, ask my husband, how it is for him?
Naming my reactions and feelings with Misophonia didn’t cured me and apparently there is no cure for this. I’m confused the most. I started to notice some other things I overlooked with calling that “being my self”. I’m noticing more then just eating, yawning, breathing, smacking, chewing… Does that mean the new sounds came into play or just I’m analyzing my self and noticing their influence on me. F.e. last night when my husband was taking his clothes to get ready for bed I realized that every time his belt make those jiggling sounds I wish I could throw that belt trough the window. I can’t wait those few seconds to pass!
How to separate Misophonia from my personality? That I’m working on. It is a part of me, but how big part of me is Misophonia part? Huh…something to figure out.